Oct. 30, 2010

Well it's been a year to remember that's for sure. It's been up and it's been down and it's been a year of letting go and moving on. And yet, here I sit finally giving in to the demise of my marriage only to begin the process of sifting through the blame, guilt and shame and the shadowy figure hiding in my closet... the anger. The anger that I have yet to feel, except for when directed at myself. Why don't I hold A** accountable for his inability to be in it to win it and appreciate what he has. Why do I have more sympathy than anger, as if he's still a child and needs coddling???

Can't quite answer that yet but will need to to move on and out of this cloud and into the light.

As I lay in bed with my daughter tonight, she asked me about the heart shaped ring that says"Love you" on my right hand ring finger. I put it on just this morning to give myself a little boost of much needed self love. She said where's your wedding ring? Oh, I know you are getting a divorce. And I'm sad, I'm going to cry. I miss daddy.

I was stopped in my tracks and had to think deeply before speaking. What did I say? I hardly even remember, but I know I emphasized how much I loved her and that we have created a nice home for ourselves. And that daddy is still here for her and she'll see him all the time (this is my deepest hope, anyway). She said she misses him and rolled over. She picks up on everything and I just hope that I am given the strength to be the best mom possible, the wisdom to know how to guide her through this and the resilience to weather the emotional storm that's still brewing inside me.