Caught in the waves

Emotion comes and goes and shifts and changes and I feel it, then observe it, then let it go back out into the ocean until it comes crashing down once again. Life is suffering. Life is pain. We are caught in a struggle. This is truth, this new acceptance and understanding is a relief. It brings me hope and joy in a surprising way a way that allows for friendship with life, rather than taking it on daily as if to change it's very nature. I'm thankful for things, blessings in my life, even these deep feelings that tear at my insides. I'm sad that so few reach out and vow to be different with others when I see them hurting. I vow to be one with life and not turn away from it's offer of suffering. Death, birth, joy, sadness, the utter aloneness that we all ultimately must accept. Better now than later. I am here now and later I will be no more.

The heart is slow to heal

So today I saw my husband as he came to spend time with my daughter. He was different, as if he had shifted form and was now a stranger to me. How could this be? Even though I know I'm moving on why is it utterly and unfathomably hard to do so? He was wearing his trendy attire and looking at me from beneath his dark cloud of resentment and yet a total stranger. I drew a blank. It chilled me and hit me with constant waves of pain that despite my best efforts to revive myself took me down. I had hoped so much for our life together, had imagined our future, had nurtured the love that I have for such an injured soul and now it's just disappeared. As if overnight... not my love for him but my belief in our future... though it's been one long year and a half worth of saying goodbye and letting go. The dreams we shared still live and I find this so hard. I observe the world around me and can't imagine the pain I'm feeling repeating itself in so many at this very moment. I share with so many many others this feeling of being totally alone. Yet, the loneliness is still almost unbearable.

And now I can have a much needed cry as the door to my past creaks closed.

What does the future bring?

I met with Desma today and we talked about all our possibilities all the things that await us that we're working towards. Then I saw Alonso and saw my past and must let go.

Broken promises, lost hope, start again.

Oct. 30, 2010

Well it's been a year to remember that's for sure. It's been up and it's been down and it's been a year of letting go and moving on. And yet, here I sit finally giving in to the demise of my marriage only to begin the process of sifting through the blame, guilt and shame and the shadowy figure hiding in my closet... the anger. The anger that I have yet to feel, except for when directed at myself. Why don't I hold A** accountable for his inability to be in it to win it and appreciate what he has. Why do I have more sympathy than anger, as if he's still a child and needs coddling???

Can't quite answer that yet but will need to to move on and out of this cloud and into the light.

As I lay in bed with my daughter tonight, she asked me about the heart shaped ring that says"Love you" on my right hand ring finger. I put it on just this morning to give myself a little boost of much needed self love. She said where's your wedding ring? Oh, I know you are getting a divorce. And I'm sad, I'm going to cry. I miss daddy.

I was stopped in my tracks and had to think deeply before speaking. What did I say? I hardly even remember, but I know I emphasized how much I loved her and that we have created a nice home for ourselves. And that daddy is still here for her and she'll see him all the time (this is my deepest hope, anyway). She said she misses him and rolled over. She picks up on everything and I just hope that I am given the strength to be the best mom possible, the wisdom to know how to guide her through this and the resilience to weather the emotional storm that's still brewing inside me.

The only constant is change

Wow. What a month it's been. I realize that I need to be comfortable with change. If I hold onto things then I reach a static status that is an illusion and worse yet, it's deadening. "Reality is an illusion, albeit a persistant one" Einstein.
Life is in full flux and it's invigorating in a very exciting way. Mixing things up and reshuffling the deck. To get to the point, I've left my husband of 5 years. I walked through a tremendous amount of fear and heartache and followed some hope that beckoned me from the other side and find myself now in a little 1 bedroom apartment with my daughter, our dog and our 2 cats. Not the picture I had painted for myself as they say, but I realize that the picture I was living was not really of my own creation anyway. It was part me and the love and hope I had for a family, but also part society's image of me and what I should be. Now all bets are off and it's OK, I'm out of bounds and loving it. Though haunted by all the readings of my youth that involved independent women leading an independent life that lead them right to their own death, or worse, insanity. The Awakening, A Room of One's Own (at least V. Woolfe's real life ended this way), the Yellow Wallpaper are but a few. Wandering why I think I have the strength to have a go of it, hoping that times have changed, reeling in the responses I've had from different friends. Some have been divine it's true, mostly those who've been here. Other's treat me as though I have a contagious disease. But now I'm open to be with those outside the norm, the status quo and I'm loving the possibilities.
I'm asking myself daily, what do I want to pursue, what do I want to share with my daughter? Rather than, how do I hold us all together? No, we can fly apart, if that's what's most enticing and that's OK. Now, granted, life has gotten more and less complicated. The complication is in my need of money, to be in commerce with the world in a very urgent way. I'm a filmmaker by trade and I'm finding myself immersed in all kinds of crazy projects that had I not had to, I would not have taken. It's simpler because I need care only for myself and my daughter (and of course, the dog and two cats. Did I mention the walking sticks?) But it's basically live life my way as I feel fit, that kind of freedom that makes things oh so much simpler.

The Law of Least Effort

From Sharon: I am amazed by the simplicity and ease of integrating the 4th law of the universe into my life! The Law is that of Least Effort: "An integral being knows without knowing, sees without looking, accomplishes without doing." My daughter couldn't learn to swim last summer, this summer she's like a duck in the water... why did I try to force it??? It can be so easy when the time is right! No more forcing anything is my new motto!

It's funny & fun to feel the difference... it's profound!   Since I  started letting go of the things I struggle over about a week ago and just detached from that point of view that struggle is necessary to accomplish things in life, everything has not only been easier but also more funny to watch and less consuming.  This is a big "Aha!" moment for me.  I'm going to video tape my daughter swimming tonight to fully embrace this new way of being.

I'm also going to implement and focus on a different law of the universe each week to see how different things can feel if I just let go of all these attachments I have to my habitual way of seeing things.  

Let's see... next week, I'll try to put into practice Law #1, the Law of Pure Potentiality.