The heart is slow to heal

So today I saw my husband as he came to spend time with my daughter. He was different, as if he had shifted form and was now a stranger to me. How could this be? Even though I know I'm moving on why is it utterly and unfathomably hard to do so? He was wearing his trendy attire and looking at me from beneath his dark cloud of resentment and yet a total stranger. I drew a blank. It chilled me and hit me with constant waves of pain that despite my best efforts to revive myself took me down. I had hoped so much for our life together, had imagined our future, had nurtured the love that I have for such an injured soul and now it's just disappeared. As if overnight... not my love for him but my belief in our future... though it's been one long year and a half worth of saying goodbye and letting go. The dreams we shared still live and I find this so hard. I observe the world around me and can't imagine the pain I'm feeling repeating itself in so many at this very moment. I share with so many many others this feeling of being totally alone. Yet, the loneliness is still almost unbearable.

And now I can have a much needed cry as the door to my past creaks closed.

What does the future bring?

I met with Desma today and we talked about all our possibilities all the things that await us that we're working towards. Then I saw Alonso and saw my past and must let go.

Broken promises, lost hope, start again.

Oct. 30, 2010

Well it's been a year to remember that's for sure. It's been up and it's been down and it's been a year of letting go and moving on. And yet, here I sit finally giving in to the demise of my marriage only to begin the process of sifting through the blame, guilt and shame and the shadowy figure hiding in my closet... the anger. The anger that I have yet to feel, except for when directed at myself. Why don't I hold A** accountable for his inability to be in it to win it and appreciate what he has. Why do I have more sympathy than anger, as if he's still a child and needs coddling???

Can't quite answer that yet but will need to to move on and out of this cloud and into the light.

As I lay in bed with my daughter tonight, she asked me about the heart shaped ring that says"Love you" on my right hand ring finger. I put it on just this morning to give myself a little boost of much needed self love. She said where's your wedding ring? Oh, I know you are getting a divorce. And I'm sad, I'm going to cry. I miss daddy.

I was stopped in my tracks and had to think deeply before speaking. What did I say? I hardly even remember, but I know I emphasized how much I loved her and that we have created a nice home for ourselves. And that daddy is still here for her and she'll see him all the time (this is my deepest hope, anyway). She said she misses him and rolled over. She picks up on everything and I just hope that I am given the strength to be the best mom possible, the wisdom to know how to guide her through this and the resilience to weather the emotional storm that's still brewing inside me.